I learned 4 very important things during this:
1. Having community to be there to dig you out of the hole ” I am never going be able to do this” is EVERYTHING.
2. Having others to celebrate your goals with you is a beauty that you can’t put into words.
3. The feeling of having done something you were scared out of your mind to do but you kicked fear in the face and did it anyway, will help you the next time fear comes knocking.
4. It honestly doesn’t matter if you win or lose. It matters that you showed up and faced your fears. (never thought I’d say it didn’t matter if you win or lose.)
5. The point of life is to support others in their life. The cool thing is through that you will get some support too.
For the last year and a half I have been doing crossfitish. I say crossfitish because I have never been apart of a real BOX, (the lingo for a crossfit gym. Who knew?) I worked out with a guy who did crossfit and taught me the basic movements and WODS (workout of the day) a couple of days a week. I started this to get back in shape after having Carter Mae. Who knew I would love it so much? The rest of the time I work out in my very own box. The sweat box, aka, the garage. My husband and a wonderful friend so lovingly made me a homemade pull-up bar and got me some “Crossfit” approved Rogue weights. Who needs jewelry when your hubby hand makes you a pull-up bar? A regular workout might consist of me doing some pull-ups then grabbing my little girl who keeps screaming MOM…MOM….MOM…MOOOOOOM (she’s only 1.5 yet screams MOM like she is 14) and putting her up on the pull-up bar.
So here we were pounding it out the last year, and one of my goals was to enter into a crossfit competition. The problem was I actually told my group of KHOP (K’s house of pain) girls, who I work-out weekly, my goal and they kept me to it. That’s the problem with telling others something you dream of doing, it’s ACTUALLY their job to hold you to it. But I am learning it is the only way to do the thing that scares you. Tell your people. Tell them over and over again. And expect them to ask you when they can show up to support you with glitter signs of course.
I decided to sign for Koda Crossfit’s FIRST TIMERS competition. Did you read that? FIRST TIMERS…meaning everyone competing was a 1st TIMER, meaning never ever competed, meaning we are all in the same crappy nervous boat. This was not the CROSSFIT GAMES. This was not the Olympics. This is not an IRONMAN. This was a freaking First Timers Competition. But I am a wreck about it, like a 15 car pile-up on I-44.
But here’s the deal with this competition….they don’t tell you what workouts your doing until the night before. So not only do you get to stress out ALL week that you will have to do 4 workouts in a span of 4 hours but YOU HAVE NO IDEA what the workouts are until the night before. Thanks for that!
The night before the competition we get our WODS. I feel pretty good about 2 of them. And when I say pretty good, I mean I haven’t started to cry yet. That happens the next morning. Not kidding. I wish I was.
So morning of, I do my regular routine. I don’t sleep a wink the night before…I wake up and ask my husband over and over again. “Why do I do this? Why do I do this?” He laughs and tells me to choke down a bagel with peanut butter and honey, which he says is the breakfast of champions, more specifically Lance Armstrong’s breakfast. Not really sure why I am eating Lance’s breakfast, but it would be nice to have some of his extra juice right now. I am so nervous. Again, did you get that this is a FIRST TIMERS competition? Just checking. Because apparently I did not get that memo. Based on my nerves and worry, I got the memo that it was the Crossfit Games. I sit silently and then it happens…. I start to CRY. What is happening?! I am CRYING…this is new. This has never happened before. Now I was crying and my little girl is saying mommy BOO BOO. I think I was crying because I was really SCARED. Not like fake scared before things that I know I will do fine at, but just nervous to start scared. No, I was legitimately scared. Like fear was starting to paralyze me. I was scared I was going to let everyone down...these girls I had been training, the guy who had been training me so diligently on his own, and my husband who had supported me and made me my own pull-up bar for goodness sake. I think that’s why we don’t do things we are scared to do or that challenges us many times. We aren’t just afraid to let ourselves down, but we are afraid to let others down too.
I thought, what if I really can’t do this? I am not apart of a REAL Crossfit Box. What if I just “think” I know what I am doing, and when I get there it all goes to pieces? I wish I knew how to get ahold of myself. I wish I could say I did some deep breathing calming treatment to get myself under control, but I didn’t. I just cried, and then ugly laugh cried because I was embarrassed that I was crying. Then I put on my shoes and walked out the door.
I get to the event and who do I see with bright red lipstick and sparkly glitter signs? Yep my girls. (my cheerleader turned hardcore workout girls) As nervous as I was they were here, I wouldn’t have done it without them. Then my husband and the kids show up. As soon as I saw them my heart started to settle a bit, my steady rock Grant was there. Now it was time to suffer.
I write PAIN IS TEMPORARY on my legs and 3-2-1 we're off…
I knew after about 6 minutes of lifting up 30lbs on one arm and doing what seemed like a million burpees, I was going to hit a wall....and the WALL I hit. But I could hear my peeps screaming "LETS GO HAYES!" in their excited and proud voices. I found out later that my husband and one of my KHOP girls couldn’t even yell at first because of the lump in their throat as they saw me do something I was so scared of. That, my friends, is the beauty of TEAM. That is the beauty of sharing your fears with others. They bear those fears with you and do everything in their power to get you through them....glitter signs and all! Finally 3-2-1 and the PAIN is over... FOR NOW anyway. I ended up winning my heat.
Next up was the 200 meter sled pull uphill. I had no idea what was going to happen, and wow did it happen SO SLOW. I felt like I would never get up that hill. I won my heat. However, if you win your heat, then you have to GO AGAIN, which is possibly the worst prize ever. I remember sitting on the lawn after the first heat and just waiting to suffer again. I was down for the COUNT. DUNZO. My sweet little boy asking me if I was going to win? "Buddy, I just want to live another 30 minutes.” At this point dying felt like the better option. My little girl was there sitting with her hand in our friend’s lap enjoying the race. My other friend was literally like a mama bird feeding me apples. Biting off a piece of apple and dipping in pb and sticking in my mouth. That is for REALS. My husband was sweetly pep talking me and helping me pretend I had some energy left in me. At this point, I realized I was not alone. I had my people all over the place. Had I been alone, I would have “accidently” walked around the building and not heard my name called for the next race. I don’t even remember walking down to start line. I just remember running REALLY, REALLY SLOW and asking Jesus to either come back or let me pass out before I hit that hill. I did not make the finals, which I’m not going to lie was the first time I have ever been excited to lose something. That meant I was done until the last WOD.
We had time to go home and shower before the last workout started. My husband found me 30 minutes later in my robe on my bed, begging him not to make me go back. I was in pain physically but more than that the fear gremlins had crept back in. You never get the butterflies out. My nerves were still there and I was done with them. My mind was saying "you will never, EVER get that weight up once, much less 36 times." But in 30 minutes we were back. Here’s the deal, more friends were there to support me. Some of my favorite people there to help me crush that fear. I honestly didn’t know if I could lift anything, but I was going to either pass out or die trying. I lifted the weight, and it wasn’t pretty. My kipping (just a word for what makes you go faster) toes to bar that I had figured out how to do and practiced so diligently 10 days prior were nowhere to be found. Like GONE, out the door, on vacation apparently. After 7 minutes and 49 seconds of pure agony I was DONE and miraculously had won my heat. And then the elation came. I felt like I could do another WOD. Helloooo energy! It would have been nice for you to show 7 minutes ago. No more suffering, no more nervousness, no more fear. It was OVER. WE crushed it! I say WE, because it was a TEAM experience. Yes, I was the one gutting it out on the field, but on the sidelines were my people gutting it out for me in their own way. Pushing me past my limits with their yells of “GET IT UP! GET THAT WEIGHT UP!" They knew I needed to finish. The thing is they wouldn’t even have cared if I had quit. I had showed up, was exhausted and had my fill. That was enough for them, but they knew I needed to finish strong. So you hear them finishing strong for me. I ended up getting 5th overall.
Here’s the bottom line. Those people who came to watch me didn’t care if I got 1st, 5th, or last place. They were just proud of me for trying. They were inspired that I did something that I was scared to do and did it anyway. For our challenge this past week, we asked each other to sign up for something that scares us. I have girls signing up for half marathons, rock climbing, violin lessons, taking a risk in their profession and telling each other about it. They are being vulnerable to tell someone what scares them. These things might seem silly to others to be scared about, but not to us. To us, it is HUGE, it is BIG, and it something that we are going to face together. When I think about how scared I was of this competition, it almost makes me laugh. It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t win money and my life did not depend on me doing well. At the end of the day, life is still the same. However, to me and the ones who love and support me, this meant everything. Life is about supporting others dreams and goals. Its about journeying with each other to WHOLENESS. The cool thing is that in the process of supporting and celebrating someone else, you get all that back and then some.
Tell us what you're going to do that scares the pants off you. Who are you going to take along for the journey?