This week God really spoke to my soul. As I was reading about contentment, it was as if something jumped off the page at me. It was like the shriek a car makes when they are hitting the breaks after speeding in order to avoid a collision.
It was as if God said, are you really content? REALLY? Are you really satisfied with this season?
And as I sat there and pondered, I thought sure, sure, , I am content with the surface things, but sometimes inside my heart I am not. I am happy with who God has made me, I feel secure with the gifts he has given me, but sometimes in the waiting, in the mundane, in the small things, I am not content. I don’t pick up on it usually, or fret about it, or daily wish for something else. But sneakily discontent seeps into my soul in ways I didn’t even realize.
Many times I find myself hoping, wishing, ready for what the future holds, the next season if you will. I don’t do small and simple well. My brain just doesn’t function that way. I know about stillness and being satisfied in him. I spent a season there when I was hustling for others approval instead of being satisfied in just His. This will always be the thorn in my side. It will always be the thing I work hard at recognizing and disciplining myself to notice when it seems off. I just never would have called it unsatisfied or being discontent.
I will always want to do things with purpose. I will always want to do great things. (the "great" just may look differently). I will always be a life long learner and will try to fix all the things one by one. I won’t apologize for being passionate about LOTS and going after those things. It’s who God has made me and I no longer apologize for having a full plate. I function there. When I get off balance I have people who can let know, and God usually has a great way of telling me.
BUT… sometimes being me in a specific season might look a little different than I expected. And that’s ok, instead of waiting anxiously for when it looks like something else, I will learn to find sacred in the simple. Sacred in the present and in the moment.
You may be going through a season of life right now that may not be your finest, or the one you hoped for, it might be hard and you are wishing for the next season, but know there is sacred joy in this one. There might be pain here, hopes unfulfilled, and lot of hard fought battles, but it can also be a season of contentment; of satisfaction, because you know there is purpose and sacred moments.
I love the word Sacred. It’s so special, and so poignant. It means highly valued and important. I would usually use it for only really important, big, life changing things. But sometimes the simple small treasures are the most sacred. A friend and I were trying to solve the world’s problems of creating more beautiful spaces for those who are ill in the hospital. A big task…a big job…a big dream...and in the middle I said, "I have to go upstairs and be the tooth fairy for my son, (Since I forgot early that week, and the tooth fairy had to “text” me with her little fairy fingers on her little tiny fairy phone, and told good old mom to give him a dollar since she was really busy that week, that works by the way.) And my friend said, “go do your motherly thing, how sacred.” And that made me catch my breath a moment.
How sacred….the small gestures, not just the small parenting moments, but the smile at a neighbor, a hug to a stranger who is grieving, an encouraging word to a friend, paying for a strangers coffee, saying I am sorry.
All simple, but all sacred.
The big and the small. I live in both worlds, and none is more important than the other, they both merge into one sacred joyous flow.
A few steps I am taking to quiet my ever-going mind and live here, is to meditate or more contemplative prayer. It is when I shut every thought out, the day dreams, the big visions, the save the world thoughts, any “I wish I could do this” talk and just let his compassion flow through me. Just sit in his presence. Nothing more, nothing less. The last few days I have done this with an app called Centering prayer. And have let a few books guide me through. Honestly I don’t love it…I feel as if I should be doing more, praising, thanking, asking God for things. But instead he just says, “Be still and let me wash over you.” Be in this sacred moment that can feel just like space. It's my space for you. And all you really need is me. Always.
So that is what I will do. I have also been taking walks at night with my favorite piano music and noticing the blooming flowers and the smell they give to us.
Flowers are God’s kisses on my cheek and I have stopped to recognize those this week.So very hard to do, yet I am brought to tears on those walks.
I will pray to recognize the sacred moments in this season of momming, caretaking, and doing things I might not have thought would be "me" right now. But it’s where I am. I will still dream, learn, create, and act on ideas, but I won’t wish for the next thing, I will just be content in this sacredness.