So the title of this is: Let’s STOP sabotaging each other. Whether we mean to truly sabotage someone or it just comes accidentally we have to figure out why we do it and then just stop….
Here’s a little story. A couple weeks ago one of my friends who has had some issue’s with food (haven’t we all) has decided she is going to start eating clean and healthy….AND this is a BIG decision. A decision that is not easy…a decision that will be REALLY HARD for her. One that is emotional and messes with her head. So this is a BIG deal. She needs support, she needs celebrators for her small successes,like not eating a brownie fudge Sunday when everyone else around her is devouring one, and she needs people to help her stay on track. Again this is not just a diet this is a lifestyle change, something she has struggled with for years.
You would think her friends would be all about helping her succeed. But what she has received are people who are trying to get her to FAIL.
What??? That doesn’t make sense does it? But it happens everyday!
As she starts on her journey she lets some of her friends know that she is really trying to change some bad habits. So she asks for a little help, which just means, when I don’t eat pizza and dessert today, please don’t make a big deal of it. Because what she wants more than anything as she sits and stares at the gooey,
run-off-the-plate cheesy pizza, is of course a ooey gooey slice of pizza. Just ONE mouth watering bite.
And instead of her friends saying, “I am so proud of you, for making this healthy choice for you.” They say, “just have ONE piece of pizza, it’s not going to KILL you, I have already eaten 4 pieces, it makes me look bad when you don’t eat any, stop being such a party pooper.”
And then it becomes ALL about the other person. It has nothing to do with the girl who struggles with eating and is deciding for it not to control her life anymore. It becomes about the others who feel less than just because someone around them is going against the grain and doing something to better themselves.
We all face our battles…we all have our emotional gremlins, whether it be with food, alcohol, cigarettes, envy, jealousy, comparison, what have you. But why do we constantly feel less than when someone around us wants to change for the better or succeeds at something? They aren’t telling us to do what they are doing. And they are not condemning us for not doing what they do. They are just making the choice to change something that has been an issue in their own life. We all have our own stuff our own insecuriteis we deal with…but would you put a glass of wine in your friend’s face who has just sworn off alcohol, or put a picture of a swimsuit model in a bikini to someone who deals with body image? NO WAY, that would be cruel.
I have heard this same type of story from more than one or two friends. Whenever someone starts to change something in their life for the better or succeeds at something, instead of others celebrating or being inspired by them, they feel insecure and try to drag the person back down to MAKE them feel better about their own lack of self-control. WHY DO WE DO THIS?
I love this quote from the book: War of Art, by Steven Pressfield. “The reason is that they are struggling, consciously or unconsciously, against their own resistance. The other person’s success becomes a reproach to them. If she can beat these demons, why can’t they?”
When I heard some of my friend’s story, it made me so angry. I wanted to literally call the people on the phone..and say YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND what you are doing! This is a struggle she has had for years, she needs encouragement, stop thinking of making yourself feel better by bringing someone else down.
And then after I held my tongue and started to process, I realized we all have our Sabotage stories. We have all probably used this type of sabotage in some form or another when it comes to our insecurities. I started to think of the things that make me feel less than, if I had ever tried to knowingly or unknowingly sabotage someone elses progress?
I think back to about a week ago, didn't have to think hard. One of my friends had a sick kiddo and decided to let her older child stay home too. She said she was going to do a little school work with her child to make up for not having her go to school. I immediately said without thinking, “Don’t do that, just let them watch cartoons for a couple of hours, she won’t lose her smarts in one day.”
I thought nothing of it at the time. But those words came out of my mouth because of my insecurity of being a good enough mom. My kids were watching TV that day while I finished housework, and I was most definitely NOT doing any school work with them, so I didn’t want anyone else to be bettering their kids. It would have made ME FEEL a ton better (key word ME) if my friend would have texted later and said, “my kids didn’t do jack squat today!” I had totally sabotaged her and didn’t even realize. I sabotaged her based on my own insecurities. She wasn’t telling me I was a bad mom because I was letting my kids watch TV, she just wanted to do something different for her kids. Like actually be a good mom! There is no reason I should have been threatened by her choices. Instead I should have applauded her for being a kick butt mom and going above and beyond.
But if we think about it, we probably have all done this a time or two.
Whether it be our insecurity with our body, so we make fun of someone else who is working out or eating healthy.
It could be parenting insecurities like mine, so we make make fun of the "pinterest success moms," so we feel better about our lack of skills.
It could be that back-handed compliment on a friend's amazing cooking skills, with a follow-up statement like: "how do you HAVE time to do all of this, I wish I HAD time to make meals for my family like you do!"
It could be a lot of other things.
But seriously we have to just STOP!
We need each other.
We need each others smarts, talents, passions, and purpose. We are all different; we will all succeed in different areas. Let us be inspired by each others motivation to do things that better us.
Let’s promise not to sabotage.
Let's look inside our hearts to figure out why it is we sabotage that certain friend. What it is about their choices that are making us feel lousy about ourselves? How can they inspire us and motivate us instead.
And if we have sabotaged someone in the past, how can we vow to encourage and support them in the future. #wecandohardthings #celebrateothers #nomoresabatoge