This week especially the creepy whispers of trying to find balance to work, passions, family, kids, taking care of extended family have slithered their way into my world.
It has been a whirlwind of decisions and uncertainty. You know the weeks where you have a constant knot in your stomach because you just CANNOT make a decision. Your heart tells you one thing, your mind tells you another, and your friends all tell you something different. And then you listen to that still small voice, the voice of the One who knows it all, the Voice you should have been listening to the whole time, that says, "Just TRUST me. Just trust I have it all worked out for you."
But you just can't, BECAUSE you want to have all the answers NOW. And you can't have true peace until it is all figured out. You know that feeling? You want to have the answer from the really smart successful woman who seems to have it all together. How does she balance her success, her cute kids, the fact she has make-up on before 8am in carpool is the real question? How does she do it? But you now what she's probably wondering the same thing.
People may look at someone around them and say, "wow, he or she has it all together. She is balancing, work, kids, life, so well." Let me tell you something. It is a SHAM peeps. This is not real. BALANCE is not a REAL thing, just like triple unders is not a real thing. How many times have I enthusiastically, with pen and paper in hand ready to take amazing life-altering notes asked older, wiser, great moms, successful business women ; what is the key to balancing family, passions, work, kids schedules, happiness, nutrition, blah blah blah? And you know what they give me? NOTHING!
My hopes to write down something that will be mind boggling and change my world forever are always crushed. NO ONE has an answer, NO ONE...well Candace Cameron might in her new book called, Balancing it All. (I googled balancing it all, and the image above came up. But I am going to guess she hasn't figured it out either or she's just lying, if you read the book let me know.
We just aren't going to figure it out. The END. (Pretty crappy blog post. Sorry.)
The balance game is non-existent, it just doesn't happen. There's no special formula, dangit. There's no guarantee and no one has completely figured out that gnawing feeling of being pulled in all different directions.
I have just come to the conclusion I will never be completely balanced. It pains me to say this, because I want to be the one who writes the book and tells you how to do it, how to figure out this full heart of so many things. How does it all come together and look pretty and neat.
But I GOT NOTHING.
I will never figure out how balance fully the pursuit of my passions, lean into my talents and gifts, while taking care of my family and pursuing them at the same time. But I will do it, and there will be seasons that I totally suck at it. There will be seasons that my passions and pursuits have to get put by the way-side because my family needs me in a different capacity. And there will be seasons, I am sure, that I will get to dive into some of the things I love head first, and there will be times, like now where I am frantically trying to figure out both. On a whiteboard....in my husband's office...with tears in my eyes because I can't figure out how to DO it ALL. Learning to really live my word of the year, Sacrificially Serve, and still staying true to who God wired me to be. Serving others in my strengths. But theres just going to be times when serving is just serving and it isn't fun, and it isn't glamorous, and it isn't it my strengths, its just serving. And that's what God has called us to anyway, right, Kristi? Pretty sure I wasn't called to BALANCE it all out. I can't find any scripture that says, "you need to have it all figured it out perfectly." But I find ALOT of scripture that says, "trust, be faithful, lean on me, commit everything you do to Me and I will make your paths straight."
So I am going to stop trying. I am going to give myself grace for what I can do right now. I am going to pour into my kids like crazy, I am going to figure out how to embrace my passions and the gifts God has given me and go full tilt without leaving those I love in the dust, but bringing them along with me to share in the journey. It's going to look great some days, and I am going to be tempted to write the "how to" manual and other days and weeks I will be jolted back into reality. It will be messy some days. Like my kids playroom messy (And when I say messy, I mean an F5 tornado touched down in there. I mean how does one scatter miniature legos in every crevice possible?)
I am NOT going to strive for balance. Nope. No more STRIVING, it's so exhausting. No more striving to please everyone. But I am going to lean into and abide in grace. Grace for me, grace for my mistakes, grace to figure it all out and failing a million times. Grace to get myself up and try it all again the next day.
Because to me it's worth it. It's worth it to wake up everyday and be grateful to pursue my family and also pursue the gifts and passions God has given me. So give yourself some grace. Stop trying to balance it all, the laundry is never really going to get done, your email box won't be empty, your work may not be perfect, your house may always look like a fraternity house, and your kid's socks may never, ever match (bless sissy's heart or Haaart as she says), and to me that's the beauty of living the full, un-balanced but beautiful life that we have the honor to live.
P.S. If anyone has the key to Balancing it all, please share it with me. I will gladly delete this post and happily get all my crap together. Please and thank you.