We have a new saying in our house, and it’s called “lifting the 15 pound weights.” Doing the hard things. The stuff we don’t want to do, the stuff we don’t think we can do, the stuff that hurts a little (A LOT), the stuff that makes us look weak or vulnerable.
I’m not much of an athlete. I didn’t play any sports growing up, and they are WAY outside of that small, comfortable cave I like to crawl into. I reluctantly took up running some years back, after the birth of my fourth child and the death of my metabolism—but I DO NOT run with friends, because I am slow and it literally takes all of my concentration to breathe in such a way that I don’t get a side cramp. And I’m all self conscious, and anxiety ridden, and full of the fear, you know, of looking like a gigantic DOOFUS.
If you want to know why I signed up for KHOP, I will tell you that it’s because I have felt…lost. For some time now. And then there was this group starting, with women I want to know, but didn’t really. Women, I had come to believe, that didn’t have time or space for me. You see how that safe cave works, right? It distorts the rest of the beautiful world.
So I decided that I was going to insert myself, and that I was going to do that by going against everything I believe in—waking up before 8 a.m., and working out with people. Lord have mercy.
I had heard Kristi speak once, and you know, she’s ELECTRIC. And super up-lifting. And if I had to guess how this was going to go, it was that she was going to just cheer and tell me how great I was at lifting my 10-pound weights. She was going to encourage me and tell me that Jesus LOVES women who do knee-push ups. That the world NEEDS knee push-ups.
And then, on Day #1, I picked up the 10-pound-weights and she told me to PUT. THEM. DOWN. I listened, because, it’s KRISTI…and also, it was very obvious that the 15-pound weights were the least of my problems because there were BURPEES. And sprints. And full-on push ups. And there is some talk of pull-ups, which I cannot do, because there is no pull-up bar in my safe cave—but holy crap that means I’m gonna do pull-ups.
How do I see myself changing? Well, there’s the 15-pound weights and the full-push ups. Also, I don’t cheat at Burpees anymore, and I guess I’m okay with that. I am doing things I didn’t think I could, things I didn’t even want to try—and I am getting out of bed REALLY early to do them, during the summer no less. I always envisioned these mornings, with self-sufficient kids who are capable of pouring cereal, would be spent slowly easing myself out of my bed—but as it turns out, there are way more donkey kicks involved.
I have struggled to write this post for sometime, mostly because I am a writer at heart, and words, for me are very powerful—and I don’t believe in putting something out there that isn’t the absolute, honest truth. But the reality is that I am fighting everyday to believe that the world is so much bigger, and more beautiful than I believe it to be. It is HARD, but goodness abounds if I am willing to step out, and see it. There are so, SO many lies that I buy into, and over time, those things have left me fearful and insecure—only it doesn’t feel that way, it feels like the constant busy-ness that fills my days. Those things are EXCELLENT crutches for my fear, because there are dinners to make, and homework to help with and swim practices to drive my kids to. So many excuses about how there isn’t any TIME to try something new, or fail, or get hurt, or leave my safe cave. I mean, I’d love to, but I have laundry to do! (Just kidding, I suck at laundry.)
Except that it feels lonely here, and a little empty sometimes. But when I haven’t left the comfort zone of “crazy busy mom life” in a while, the rest of the world feels terrifying. It feels like a lot of work, and a lot of risk, and it gets harder to step out there. To try new things, to do push-ups, to make friends.
The most powerful thing about KHOP for me? That Kristi told me to put down the 10-pound weights, almost instantly. Before she even knew me, and all the BS that comes with my insecurities and my comfort, she wanted more for me. She told me there was MORE, and you know what, I had forgotten. I am typically so careful not to push, I never want to offend others by suggesting that there could be more than this pretty little suburban life I’m so desperately wanting to be perfect and risk-free— but the truth is that I needed someone to SHOW ME that we were created for SO MUCH more than we could ever imagine. To believe it for me, and not justify the fear that clouds so much of my judgement most days.
Thanks for the reminder that there is so much goodness—the best stuff, actually—when we step out in faith, into what is often uncomfortable and challenging.
(I love this girl, she is an amazing, funny, and super talented writer. Find her writings here)